FIRST OF ALL: I have noticed that a bunch of people who visit this site look up info on my friend JOHN.

So here is a quick Synopsis:

John is my best friend. He is from Scotland. We have never met face to face. Have no plans to. Professional Urban Planner. We met 5 years ago on a BBW Friendship website called Rating BBW. John is married and we are FRIENDS ONLY.

He was ONE of the hundreds of men who wrote me, who was actually NICE and not vulgar. 1st Webcam chat involved Religion and The Catholic Church. So unlike other men I would chat with.

I have only have webcammed with 4-5 men. Only live texted with 10 or less men. NO LIVE TALK! Text Only.

Since moving to Tennessee 7.5 years ago I have given my phone number to a man in The Netherlands and one in London, England. Both called me immediately. Spoke only a few min to each of those on 3-4 occasions…. That was 6 years ago.

John has my number and hasn’t called me since I have not given him permission to. I have his phone number and work number… have never called. We webcam with TEXT only. MY CHOICE. I have never heard his voice. I did make me a 90 sec video so he could hear and see me.

He and I are kindred spirits …providing support, friendship,and most importantly open communication. I have always been able to open up and share any and everything with him.We love one another. He is such a wonderful man. We both feel like we are soul-mates… in a friendship sorta way.

He has helped me become a better woman, person, daughter, sister, cousin, niece and friend… and to that I am very grateful.

I honestly don’t believe I would be here without him. He has helped me through some dark times. I go through periods of depression. I have since I was a teen. He is the only one who knows when I am suicidal… not as often as I USED to be. No one would look at me and say HEY she’s depressed, sad, and suicidal. I hide it very well. John is the only person I allow to know how I am feeling. He is kind, patient and compassionate.

I truly wish I didn’t have depression and suicidal thoughts. But they do creep in from time to time. I have severe social anxiety at times and at times I am mortified to leave the house. Been having so many  panic attacks lately. DRENCHED with sweat. Rapid Heart Beat. Shakiness. HATE WHEN I DO! Ugh!

I was molested by a few boys/men when I was a child/teen. It has made me leery of men. Only had 2 relationships in my life. Last one was almost 18 years ago with Michael. So terrified of allowing any man to get close to me.

In the past 6-12 months I have made friendships with more people. Male and Female. Trying to learn how to have friendships. Not an expert at that. Always been abnormally shy. Ask any one I went to school with they will say that Angie Goode was the shy smart girl in school… and most  would add FAT. I was 211 lbs in the 5th grade! I weigh less than that now. Always been ridiculed for my weight. Still am but I no longer allow it to  get to me as I once did. I quit school when I was 16. So many nasty and negative messages sent to me. Name calling. People making fun of me cause no boys wanted to date me. I am crying just sharing this.

I was 25 when I got my very 1st kiss with Mike Hager, Jr. Well, a kiss that I kissed back.. not molested and forced to do so. I married the first man I kissed, dated, etc. Marriage did not last long. After that I had a 2 year long-distance relationship with Michael Northcutt. Actually the ONLY relationship I ever had. Didn’t have much of a relationship nor friendship with the man I married. I was young and foolish.

The day I met the man I married I was at my wits end. I told God I was going to kill myself that night UNLESS I met a man. Well I did meet one. Oh Boy did I ever….One of my docs called him a wolf in sheep’s clothing and another doc called him the living devil. He was and probably is still an alcoholic and drug abuser.. I have no idea. Anyway I THOUGHT I could change him and I was wrong. Haven’t seen him in over 18 years.

Now to present day. I truly want a man in my life. I do… but he has to make the first move.

4.5 years ago the man of my dreams wrote me on MySpace which from here-to-fore will be known as MR HANDSOME…. and told he would love to get to know me better… I was too scared to reply. We did become friends after that and I am sure he doesn’t even recall messaging me that particular message.

I have over 4000 friends on Facebook. Almost 2000 of them I met through the Zygna game Farmville which I have not played in almost a year. MR HANDSOME is on my facebook friends.

I pray to God all through-out each day and night to guide me to the man that He Created me for and vice versa. I am sure he is out there somewhere praying for me as well.

IF I am suppose to remain single I ask the Lord to take away this yearning for a companion.

I would do anything for a hug right now.

So terrified of men. Praying that I can overcome.

Surrendering to God…

All of me, All my wishes, All My Hopes, All My Dreams, All My Wants, Needs, and Desires…

I pray that they all are in accordance with God’s Will for my life…

My Future….

My Eternity….

GOD HELP ME,

Your Daughter,

Angela Bell Goode