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    Angela’s Mental Health

    Made an appt on the 29th to see my Psychiatrist a month earlier. Was on 40 mg prozac in January and Dr changed it to 60 mg and it has not helped. Looking back on Facebook’s ON THIS DAY it seems like I have major anxiety and depression episodes in Dec-April as well as different times of the year. Nothing seems to help. Been on a multitude of different meds. I HATE feeling so unhappy, worthless, like a failure in all aspects of life. I have felt this way since I was a child.

       Was always bullied in school for my weight. Molested by many due to lack of self esteem. Blaming myself for it all. I will go for months were I am seemingly balanced emotionally when it is all a facade. Always so down on myself.

    Having so many health issues. I even need a wheelchair at times due to weakness and fatigue from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Charcot Marie Tooth Disease ( a form of muscular dystrophy / peripheral neuropathy. I am always exhausted. Doctor prescribed Pain meds make me feel better for a few hours… but it doesn’t help the entire day. Having issues sleeping lately. TOO Much or NONE at all.

    I could sit here and numerate all the things I feel like I failed at and the things that I allowed others to make me feel worthless. I have had CMT Type1A and got laughed at in gym cause I was so weak in my legs and shoulders. Not diagnosed until 2016. All the kids and teachers should be ashamed that they laughed at me. Teachers and student s taunts and laughs still haunt me. I could name all my bullies but not going to give them credit. I hate that I allowed it.

    I was so young, naive, insecure…. Still feel like I have the social abilities of a seven year old.

    I never dated till I was 25. Married the first man I ever kissed after 6 weeks of dating. No surprise I filed for divorce after 3 weeks. yep. 21 Days. Finalized the Divorce 6 months and 1 day after matrimony. The man said HE ONLY MARRIED ME CAUSE I WAS A VIRGIN. I was blessed enough to have kept my hymen after years of molestation. Actually I bleed on my honeymoon but in reality I didn’t entirely loose my hymen until the second man I made love with Michael Todd. The ex-hubby Mike Hager was small in the manhood dept. VERY SMALL.. Abnormally so… first time I saw it I asked “IF IT WAS A BIG AS IT GOT.” … Sadly IT was. LMAO at Pinky dick 🍄 Just glad I allowed Hager into a very short period of my life. I have not seen him in over 20 years and hopefully never will.

    I was POISON “Rock Group” pen pals with hundreds of Poison and BRET MICHAELS fans. The first one was Michael Todd from Mississippi. I lived in West Virginia at the time. We became close friends by mail and phone calls. Met 2 years later in person. Michael traveled back and forth for over 2 years to see me. Long distance broke us up. He passed away from a Brain Tumor at the age of 45 from Neurofibromatosis. We were still friends to the end. RIP Mikey 1963-2009

    I just feel like venting today. So much goes on in my mind. I even have hallucinations at times. First time I have admitted that. Going to discuss with my doctor.

    Panic attacks are back. Having problems with chills, bone aches, pains, weakness…I lost over half of my hair last year. It is growing back but it is taking forever in some places on my scalp. I lost over 60 lbs last year for no known medical reason other than lack of appetite. Appetite return in 2017 and I gained 20 god’awful pounds. Feeling so fat and ugly.

    What have I done with the last 51 years of my life? Diddly squat ! I just don’t have the confidence to do what I want to. I want to be more vocal, opinionated, friendly. Been on disability for 20 or so years due to anxiety, fibromyalgia, diabetes, morbid obesity, I currently weigh HALF of my top weight. I feel so FROZEN. Paralyzed. A heavy stone weighing down on my shoulders most of the time. Praying to be happy. Spread love and joy.

    I wish I was able to work cause on SSI I barely make enough to survive. I would love to be able to travel, enjoy life, shop…. hell I would love just to be happy half of the day. I am so sad. All the time. 24/7 when I have these what I call “EPISODES” nothing makes me happy or delivers me from this melancholiness. I may have a few good days a month…. but those bad sad days rule my life. I want it to stop. I want to live life, Experience Love. I have not dated in 23 years now. I want to but I am so terrified of doing anything since I am a failure at everything.

    Well I am a good sister I love my baby sis. Always been her caregiver and now she has to take care of me. She is also having a rough time seeing me like this every day. Pray for my sis.

    My memory is bad. At times I can not spell or even think of a word. Always forgetting where things are at.

    I know my mental health is not at a good place. At least I am seeking HELP for it. Can’t wait to see my doctor on the 29th.



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