Over the past few years so many wonderful and exciting changes have came into my life. Some I help create,some were surprisingly sprung upon me and some transformations that I never even knew I wanted suddenly came galloping into my life. Hope that the metamorphosis continues.

I currently weigh over 100 lbs less than my highest weight of 315 lbs. (I am STILL over 200 lbs.) Gastric Bypass “Lap Roux-En-Y”and a low carb and high protein diet helped me get to this point. I would love to lose 25-35 additional lbs. I was on that way to that goal when Rosie (my sissy) underwent her Gastric Bypass “Lap Biliopancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch”and her subsequent MRSA infections derailed my weight loss. I gained 4 lbs. in the last 2 months. I am one of those people who EAT carbs when stressed and having my baby sister so ill,whom I am a caregiver for,was extremely stressful for me…hence I ate way more carbs than a diabetic or a gastric bypass patient should. At times,I still do. Rosie had nausea and some vomiting today so I ate a bunch of Hershey miniature candies and 2 bananas.. Sugar is 272 as I type this. Should be 70-120.. So disappointed in myself but I am gonna gain control…I have to.

All week I have had so much energy…well spurts of it at least. Right now I am hyper. Will prolly clean the dining area prior to bed. So glad that I am having SOME energy since I have virtually none the majority of the time due to chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Thinking back it seems I ALWAYS feel better in Sept/October…wondering if the cooler weather benefits me more than hot weather does. I have never tolerated HOT weather. Hmmm…gonna have to move to a more temperate climate …sunny,mild and breezy sounds lovely…Hawaii sounds about right!

I have so many plans for my future. Really gungho. I am gonna lose those 25-35 NAGGING lingering pounds…. and when I do I am gonna go have a tummy tuck. I absolutely positively detest my saggy and baggy lose skin in my stomach Panniculus region. I bet I could wear a size 6 or an 8 jean if I didn’t have this excess skin! In stretch denim I can wear a size 12 now.

I was this same weight 20 years ago when I married and divorced Michael Patterson Hager,Jr. He and I married 20 Years ago on Sunday. Divorced shortly after. He was just a brain fart in my life. LOL! I can NOT believe I married such a low life and gave up my virginity to him. (yep I was a 25 year old virgin. I was NO ANGEL…. He and I did fool around some prior to the wedding but I saved the best for last) I honestly am such a different lady now…Not as naive.

Age,Wisdom,Time,and Growth go hand in hand.

There have been times when I have acted high and mighty towards others and said things I regret. Acted like I was better than they were and I wish I hadn’t. I ask those whom I did this to to forgive me. I am no angel. Have never been and will never be. I am HUMAN and make mistakes like everyone else does.

I am very shy around those that I don’t know very well…BUT those close to me know that in actuality,I can be flirty,bawdy,raucous,and even hilarious. I hate having social anxiety. It keeps me from forming relationships…online and in real life. It has been 17 years since I dated. Yes…. it will be…. SEVENTEEN Years…. on Nov 18th. I have a wonderful ONLINE ONLY friendship with John. Known him for almost 4 years now.

You would never know it from reading my journal or my postings online but I have a high Intelligence Quotient…major issue I have is saying something that makes me look like a fool…or worrying about hurting other peoples feelings…. I  worry way too much about what other people THINKS about me. Oh yep…I am also snobbishly proud to be the QUEEN Of the Ellipsis…LOL!

I want “THE REAL ANGELA”to come across online and in reality. I wish everyone could see the Angela that my sis Rosie and My Friend John sees. That would be a major breakthrough. I am gonna attempt to accomplish that and many other goals. 2011 has only a few months left and in those few months they are gonna be some spectacular changes in me. My appearance has changed dramatically in the 2 years,since I had gastric bypass and now is the time for my personality to shine brilliantly…. like a diamond in the sky. Sparking. Twinkling. Radiantly. Everlasting.

My renewed faith is strong and I know I can do anything I set my mind to.

I have to thank my beloved John for helping me get to this point in my life. He is the greatest man I have ever known after my Daddy. He is always there for me. Supportive. Compassionate. Considerate. Helpful. Complimentary. He is a professional. Works for the Scottish Government. Wears suits and Ties. WOW.. I loved the way he looked tonight. Majority of the time I see him in sweats but the past few evenings he has been working late and came to our webcam chat in his business attire. Tonight was a black dress shirt and a black and white polka dotted tie. So spiffy. Fashionable. I adore that he is so intelligent. He loves computers as much as I do. Knowledgeable in so many varied subjects…so unlike all the other men I have loved. Yes LOVED>I love that rascal and he loves me. He and I will remain ONLY friends unless God has other plans but for now it is a friendship. A partnership. He and I are emotionally closer than the preponderance of husbands and wives.  He and I support one another. Comfort each other. ‘GET’one another. So happy that I replied to his message 4 years ago. I knew immediately he was different. He and I met at a BBW “Big Beautiful Woman”friendship site…which has since shuttered.

John has been having some problems with his arm/elbow after falling off a ladder last weekend. Having major trouble sleeping. Pray that he gets a good nights sleep. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow night.

I have been tidying up my bedroom so John and I can have a private talk. It has been a long time since we chatted in private. Maybe twice in the last 2 years. Have been chatting on my laptop in Rosie’s room. Been TEXT chatting only…hope to talk by phone/webcam chat this weekend. He only has been seeing my face on webcam…. This weekend I will let him see me and the weight I have since lost.

I am experiencing body issues. Nothing new…. I was 315 lbs when I met John…and I was actually more comfy with my body then than I am now. I used to be way more provocative back then. I miss that part of me. Lately I have been wearing short dresses and tighter clothes. Even dyed my hair back to the color it was 20 years ago when I weighed the same. BLACK hair just suits me better. Even been wearing human hair extensions and wigs. Gastric bypass caused me to lose some of my luxurious mane. I cut over 15″off over a year ago to see if that would make it look fuller. It didn’t…. Still almost as thin. My hair is now 23″long again. It was over 30″prior to the bypass. Hope to get it that long again. It is very healthy. Shiny. Just straggly and scrawny. Especially in the front area. I am just thankful that they make decent and affordable hair extensions and wigs now. I do wear my own hair the majority of the time but it is a blast to play with my looks. I adore changing my hair style,make-up,fashion,and trying new things. I am a high maintenance diva…and proudly and openly admit it.

I have a dominate personality and that accompanied with my shyness…. I have often been called a BEEEOTCH. Thank God I have mellowed over the years. Used to be so much more controlling than I am now. I am now only controlling when it comes down to men. Thankful that John is submissive and enjoys that aspect of me.

Having shoulder and thigh pains. Have them so often due to fibromylagia. I am on high doses of cymbalta,vicodin,xanax,and trazodone JUST to get through a day…but with all those pharmaceuticals I still have painful afflictions. Just because they are not visible does not mean I don’t have them. I may look like a million bucks…just wish I felt like it.

My IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) is much more stable and controlled now. On imodium,welchol,and bently a few times daily. Plus high fiber diet which I have been neglecting and the IBS is retaliating. UGH!

I still take an arsenal full of medicine. My heart rate and blood pressure are in the normal range. Need to go to my endocrinologist for labs. Will call and make me an appt this week. Also need to see a podiatrist. I inherited Charcot–Marie–Tooth disease from my dad.  Yay…Lucky me…NOT! I wore a new pair of black leather sandals this past week and I am now in possession of 4…count em…FOUR…open raw blisters from them. Ouchy soreness.

Over the last 20 years,so many things have changed. I have taken time to get to know myself and my family. I actually LIKE ME!!!!

I am way more liberal in my beliefs than I use to be. I no longer even consider myself a Christian due to all those who abuse and misuse that terminology. I believe in a higher power who Loves and wants the best for me…and for the world. People use religions to construct and even continue and exacerbate wars…hatred…

The God I worship is LOVE…not HATE. Not war. I see and worship God in nature…in the sky…trees.. plants…animals…people…BEAUTY. Awesome wonderment. I appreciate all that the gods created in the universe.

So blessed for my eyes that see,my ears that hear,my mouth that tastes,my nose that smells,my fingers that feel….. and my heart that beats.

I am open minded and accept other religions,sexual orientation,beliefs,colors,creeds,etc. Much more tolerate than I use to be. Acceptance. Equality.

I don’t believe in excess anything. You need self-control. Enlightenment. Preparation…and I am READY!

I don’t even believe in waiting till marriage to have sex…I just believe you must be in love. Really in love. Know the person. You must be mature enough and ready for the consequences and/or repercussions as well.

I am more patient and compassionate now. I love my family. My life. I love my home here in Tennessee. So blessed to live in such a wonderful area. Grateful for the things I have.  I do miss my mommy…it has been almost 5 years since she passed. I LOVE and MISS MY MOMMY!

I would love to be fortunate enough to travel more than I currently do…but I lack the funds to do so. I would love to visit a new cities…  both modern and antique cultures…. experience new cuisines. Meet people from varied backgrounds.I want to expand my vocabulary. Learn new languages. I am open to traveling the world.

I am also open to meeting the man that God created me for and vice versa. I need a mature worldly financially secure submissive man who excites and entices me. He must share my fondness for food,music,movies,and travel. I adore and miss having a sensual intimate relationship with a man. My main focus is on changing that.

I am going to be more active. Do more things. Going to start with doing more household chores. Rosie and I are gonna start water aerobics as soon as she gets medical clearance. Her hernia wound has to be totally healed…and it is getting there.

Since Rosie had her gastric bypass surgery she and I can now eat at fancy restaurants and split an entree and still have enough for leftovers. LOVE THAT! We get to eat out twice as much now! Woo-Hoo!

In the last year I have gotten my drivers license. Took me 45 years! Now if Dad would let me drive without him in the vehicle! LOL!

I plan on attending more local events. May go to the Fly In/Drive In at the airport tomorrow. Hope to go to the circus and frequent local plays. Hope to go to the Ripleys Aquarium this week. Heck I may even join the local Democratic party. Would love to be a member of a garden and genealogical club. Wish this introversion was not so powerful. Slowly but surely this butterfly is emerging from her cocoon. Spreading her wings….

So many plans so little time.

Sending love and prayers to all my family,friends,and readers.

May you all surrender and allow God to lead you to what is best for your life.

I personally surrender.

Guide me.

Use me.

Create me.

Mold me.

Make ME all I can be.

~Angela Bell Goode